Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Becoming Parents

I always wondered what I would write in this post if I ever became pregnant. I knew I wanted to tell our story no matter how it came about but for almost a year, I didn't know that there would be a story to write. At least not one about pregnancy.
I have so much to say in this post and I am really unsure how say it all so I will do my best to start from the beginning..
When Nathan and I were first married, I wanted a baby like half way into our first year of marriage.
Nathan, being much wiser than I, dreamed with me, but was very careful in letting me know we weren't ready just yet. I was OK with that and just figured one day we would be. Before I got married, I started experiencing intense anxiety. You can read a little about that part of my life here.
After we were married, anxiety almost all but subsided for a year or so. I was happy for once and not living in a constant state of fear.
Until I found new things to worry about.
Somewhere along the road, having kids became one of those deep fears. I don't even think I realized how deeply I had let the enemy root a lie in me until I started experiencing healing years later.
I was afraid of anything that had to do with having a child.
Afraid I would be a horrible mom.
Afraid I wasn't cut out for it.
Afraid that something was wrong with me.
So I all but convinced myself, I didn't want kids. It was easier than facing my fears so I just began to believe the lies.
Until my husband came to me a little over a year ago and dropped a bomb.
"Hey sweetie, when do you think you may be ready to think about having a baby one day?"
He was very cautious and very kind but I am sure I said something about how that wasn't the "agreement" and I had thought we just decided we wouldn't have them. That was the plan right? Run from my fears forever?
I finally told him I would think & pray about it. I had been to counseling quite a bit that past year and experienced a lot of healing from it. I was starting to believe God and trust not only Him but myself. Still, this scared me.
I didn't pray for a while. I didn't want to. I just figured he would change his mind again.
But I couldn't escape his words. & I couldn't escape the Lord pleading softly with me to please give up control in this area. It was that one thing pastors alwayss teach on. You know the one.. what's the one area you won't give to God? The one place in your life you won't let Him in? And I would always be like, nah, that's not me, I tell Him everything.
But then it hit me. There was one thing I controlled and made sure of it.
& that was having a baby. I was very "strict" in this area of my life because I refused to believe anything but the fear that was planted much too deeply in my heart.
Until I started to really believe God when He said I could trust Him. I could feel Him softly chipping away at my control and asking me to let go. I finally agreed. After months of ignoring and/or pleading that there be another way. It wasn't easy at first to give up control but when I did, I could feel the weight getting lighter. It was no longer my choice. No longer my burden to bear but Jesus had taken that from me. Whatever was to happen concerning a family for us, had become entirely up to Him. 
I think part of my figured that meant we would get pregnant right way. That He would show me that He was in control. 
But like always, God never works in the way we expect Him to or think He should. And can I just say I am so, so glad?? 
It had been almost a year and there were some months I thought I was pregnant, but it always turned out, I wasn't. I think it's important for me to note we were not trying. We had both decided early on that this would be God's doing and none of our own. I didn't believe He was asking me to let go of the control to prevent a pregnancy to fall right into controlling achieving a pregnancy. No I don't believe "trying" means not preventing. For us, it truly meant allowing The Lord to do whatever He wanted.
 Because God was healing this area of my life I started to wonder what was wrong. How come we couldn't have a baby? & then the dreaded, I guess this is what God had decided all along. Yes, that I should trust Him, but also that I should trust Him whether that meant baby or not. 
If I can be honest, I felt betrayed. I thought that when He asked me to give up control, it meant we would have a baby. I started to become very hopeful & a deep desire to be a mom had started to root itself deep within me despite the fears sometimes still haunting me. 
I remember the day before I found out I was pregnant I sat in my husbands office and sobbed. How come we can't have a baby? Why would God ask this of me but then leave me here? What's wrong with me? Was I right all along, I shouldn't have babies and God was just confirming it? 
My sweet husband. I'll never forget His words. 
"Baby, so what. So what if we can't have a baby, we'll have a great marriage. We'll be happy because we'll be together, whatever God decides. He's in control and has the best for us." 
And then the next day I saw two pink lines on the pregnany test. And my life was changed forever. 
God has been so gracious to us. He has never ever let me down & I don't know why I thought He ever would. Even if He had chose for us to not be parents, I know He always does what is best for us.
I had come to terms with trusting Him no matter what the outcome, hard or not, and He remained faithful. 
Giving up this area in my life to Him was the hardest thing I've had to do in my adult life. I just didn't know if I could truly live out the faith He was calling me to. And you know what? I didn't. Not on my own anyways. That was all Him. His choice for our lives. And I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Thursday, January 23, 2014

13 Week 'Bumpdate'

(I was lazy with the chalk this week.. last time Nathan did it haha
13 Weeks
Weight: I think I have finally gained back the weight that I had lost and maybe another pound. But my scale is always different than the doctors so we'll see!
Symptoms: Things have been much better in the nausea department! I went almost a full week feeling better then felt horrible one day and threw up my lunch. It's been off and on but I've definitely had relief. I have still needed to eat every two hours or I am starving! The unmotivated tired me is now also finally starting to wear off which is nice. I still get runny/bloody noses every day. Every other week I will break out pretty bad too so that's fun. I have also had some odd pains in the pelvic area which I guess is all due to my body growing and changing for baby and it's normal. I've been getting headaches more frequently. Oh, I've also been pretty moody with the hubs.. poor guy :)

Clothes: I'm still wearing maternity jeans and yoga pants because they feel so much better on my stomach when it's upset. I wear normal shirts mostly because I only have 2 maternity shirts & don't need them just yet.
Sleep: I've been sleeping pretty well. Still getting 9-10 hours at night. I wake up quite a bit to adjust my pregnancy pillow and I still use the bathroom twice a night. My hip pain has eased since starting to use my pillow which is the main reason I started using it so that has been nice.
Cravings/Aversions: I have had a couple of cravings, if you can call them that.. they just end up sounding better others options. There are still nights where nothing sounds good and I have to force myself to eat. I was really liking eggs until I threw them up the other day and now I can't eat them anymore.  It really surprises me that things I LOVED before pregnancy now don't sound good to me (like Starbucks, can you believe that?!) I am really starting to like water more! On the days I am still sick, it's hard to drink, but I have been forcing at least 50 ounces and 75 when I can. My goal is 100.
Baby- Baby is good! I was driving the other after I had gotten my FIRST decaf caramel macchiato (I'm telling you, it's just crazy) since finding out I was pregnant and I had taken a couple sips (mind you, I get it with a horrible amount of sugar) and I felt the baby move! I know y'all probably think I am crazy but it was the strangest, most exciting feeling ever! It was a little flutter and then it was gone. I came home with tears in my eyes when I ran inside to tell Nathan. It was the neatest thing. I know its rare, but you can feel baby at 13 weeks and I just know that I did! Best thing ever! :) Our next appointment is Feb 6, so I will be sure to update you then!
How I am feeling: A lot better! I think it's really incredible that I wrote last week that I would love to feel the baby move.. and then this week I did! God is so amazing you guys. He truly is so good to me.
How Daddy's feeling: "Lately I've been thinking about how I can be a better husband so I can be the best dad as well."
^^^ This Guy. I can't tell you how much I love him!
Other Stuff: Nathan painted the baby's room this week! The sweet little crib has been set up in there for a while and looks great with the wall color! I've definitely already began "nesting" and my husband has been such a trooper. We replaced almost all our door handles, painted the bathroom & baby's room & done a lot of misc. stuff around the house.. or should I say HE has. ;) We are looking forward to our next appointment and I will finally be far enough along to actually hear the baby's heartbeat this time!
I promise to share the post about the story God has given us leading up to this point soon! It's not exactly easy to get into words how amazing He is & I don't want to miss anything!
If you haven't yet, check out the first 12 weeks here!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Bumpdate 0-12 Weeks

  (Yes I am fully aware of my bump size and yes there is only one baby! ;)) 
Friends, thank you THANK YOU, for your outpouring of love and support since we announced our sweet baby last week. I am so thankful for your kind words and love towards us! 

I can't wait to share the story God has given us in the months leading up to finding out we were expexting. I am still amazed that He chose us to be parents & am truly thankful for everything He has done in our lives leading up to this point. 

I'd love to catch y'all up on the past 12 weeks and also document this for the future! I am about 12 w 4 d now (sorry!)  This post will definitely be more lengthy compared to future updates, so bare with me! :) 
0-12 Weeks
Weight: I had lost a couple pounds according to my scale at home but at my 12 week checkup I was down by .5 lbs. 
Symptoms: Up until about 5.5- 6 weeks I was feeling good! Certainly some anxiety about reality sinking in that I was in fact PREGNANT. During this time I also had cramps and light spotting which scared me terribly. It would happen on and off up until my first appt at 8 weeks & after that it just stopped and I was so thankful. At 6 weeks I started to hate every kind of food. It really didn't matter what kind, everything just sounded terrible to me. I even started to hate water. None that I found sounded good so I was forcing myself to drink it. By recommendation of my dr, I eventually had to get some vitamin water and gatorade just to make sure I wouldn't become dehydrated. I had nausea from 6 weeks on but it didn't start getting really bad until about 8 weeks, right after I saw my doctor for the first time. I started vomiting around that time & everything would make me gag. Opening the fridge or freezer, the pantry, or just walking into the kitchen. Sometimes our house just made me gag as soon as I walked in from outside so I spent as much time outside as possible. I'm telling you, it was strange! (this is still happening!) There were several nights I would wake up twice because I was feeling very sick. Sometimes I would eat and start to feel a little better but other times it was too late and I would throw up nothing. I also just never wanted to wear anything that touched my stomach so I wore a lot of yoga pants and leggings because I felt so sick. From 4-7 weeks my boobs were so sore. TMI? That's ok, it's real folks. I started wearing a bra 24/7 which definitely helped. Around 7 weeks I started getting bloody noses and I always had a runny nose. I wasn't necesarly exhasusted like a lot of pregnant woman I know but I was very unmotivated. I didn't want to hang out with people or go anywhere which is very unlike me.  (I'm still battling this) I did sleep almost 11 hours at night though and there were times I felt tired during the day but I more just wanted to lay around, not really sleep. Breakouts on my face. They haven't been horrible but they have been often and yucky. A new thing from 11-12 weeks now is I am STARVING all of the time. I really have tried to eat a ton of different foods but nothing keeps me fuller longer than about 1/2 hour to an hour. The hard thing is I still don't like a lot of foods so I'm finding it difficult to keep eating. And if I don't eat.. The hunger becomes mixed with sheer nausea. 

Clothes: I'll be honest.. when I started getting sick, I wore pj's and yoga pants. Mostly because I hated the feeling of tight pants or something being on my belly when I was feeling awful! Right at 12 weeks I went out and got some black maternity skinnies & some maternity jeans. I had a couple shirts that my mom had gotten me but just started using them recently. 
Sleep: Well from weeks 4-6, I had a rough time sleeping. I was pretty anxious and all the what if's would keep me up worrying at night. But at around 6 weeks until now, I sleep 11 hours at night give or take some bathroom breaks. I wasn't going to the bathroom much before 10 weeks but after that it was quite often and I was up usually 2x a night if not more. It's not getting any better and with the amount of fluids I'm supposed to drink, I don't see how it could. Plus before pregnancy, I already peed like 10 times a minute. Around 11 weeks, my hips began to hurt really bad from sleeping on my side. I am unsure how I slept before I was pregnant but apparently it wasn't on my side. I do have a pregnancy pillow (that my lovely mama bought me) and I just recently started using it again. Seemed to help a lot with the hip pain. 
Cravings/Aversions: Like I said above, NOTHING sounded good to me from 5.5 weeks to 12 weeks. Right now, things are really getting so much better. There were nights I forced food because I knew I had to eat something for dinner. One time we ate Panda Express because I thought I wanted to and it made me extremely sick. At first I was craving a lot of salty things but then I began to really enjoy some fruit bars or ice cream. Now I'm slowly beginning to like more foods. I also started enjoying cereal because I could keep it down and it didn't make me sick. The thing that really surprised me though was my dislike for water of all things. At around 11.5 weeks when my nausea would be OK for a couple days, I would be able to drink a ton of water.  I was forcing a couple water bottles a day before that but it was tough. Lately I have been craving Fire Cheetos and pickles. I also really like egg salad sandwiches!
Baby- ah yes the little one :) baby is doing great! He/she is the size of a plum about 2.1 inches long. Baby has formed all their parts so he/she is just focusing on growing now! We had an ultrasound just shy of 12 weeks at 11 weeks 4 days. The dr tried finding the heart beat with the Doppler but she couldn't pick anything up so she rolled out the ultrasound machine. (I am SO thankful my office has ultra sound equipment handy!) Baby had the hiccups the whole time and kept bouncing up and down. It was pretty adorable. So crazy to see baby look like an actual baby. At our first appointment, the little one looked like a blob. I couldn't honestly tell you where baby's head was haha. We love our Dr. and she is so sweet but she forgets to give me pictures and has never told me the heart rate. I have only seen baby's heart rate beating rapidly on the screen.  My first appointment,  I measured 4 days ahead but my dr still gave me a due date based on my best guess of my last period, so my due date will remain July 28th, 2014. 
How I am feeling: Excited to be out of the first trimester and feeling better! It's been tough but I know it will be worth it. I get so excited thinking about what baby will look like. I wonder if baby will look more like me or daddy! I am also so looking forward to feeling the baby move. I know it will be a while but I would love to feel the little one move around! :)
How Daddy's feeling: "I can't wait until the first day I get to meet the baby. Right now it's kinda like it's Jess and baby's time to bond but I can't wait until I get to have the opportunity to start my own bonding with the little one."
That's about it for now.. Here are some pictures & things! So happy to be sharing this with you all now & I can't wait to watch the bump grow! 

My husband's artwork

This was right before 12 weeks.. I think it's the yoga pants that makes that bump look big ;) 

Proud daddy :) 

 And these were just too plain funny not to share! 

Friday, January 10, 2014


 If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter, then you probably already heard the BIG news we shared yesterday. But just in case you missed it...

Nathan & I are so overjoyed that we will meet our little one this Summer! I can't wait to share updates and all God has done in our lives through this process! I'm just shy of 12 weeks and we've had two Dr. Appointments. It was such a blessing that both times we got to see our sweet baby! Yesterday, baby had the hiccups, which was just about the cutest thing ever to watch! Thank you for your outpouring of love and prayers!
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