I can't believe it's the 30th of October. I don't even know when this happened but somehow it did! I love fall and how everything seems to slow down a little right before the craziness of Christmas. How the weather is always perfect and you can leave your doors and windows open. I am sitting here typing this.. and I don't know what I should write about. I just know I haven't written in a while and it seemed like a good idea. So I am praying that God gives me words to use, to encourage. And I have all these thoughts.
You know how people always say when everything is going good in your life, it's easier to trust God, to rely on Him and to seek Him. And when things get hard, we run from Him and we can't seem to see that God is right there, like He always was?
That's not me.
When things are going good in my life, I tend to think I don't need to be praying and reading my Bible as much because things are great. I am not in pain, I am not struggling with anything significant, so I don't cry out to the Lord and seek Him and search His will like I would if I was really desperate.
It's when things aren't so good. When my anxiety used to be unbearable. I'd find Him. In my weakest moments and in the middle of chaos, He would reach out to me when I cried to Him and He would comfort me. These rare moments, when I actually allowed Him to comfort me, when I wasn't swallowing lies and letting thoughts and worry consume me, He would be my everything.
And now He has brought me so far. He has taken me out of that awful place of fear and I am overcoming anxiety with His help, knowing He wants me to live in His peace and that His plan was always for me to stop worrying and trust Him. So now I am good. Because He did this, He brought me peace and helped me out of this. But then I forget what it's like when all I needed was Him. I know it wasn't what He wanted for me because He commanded me to be anxious for nothing. I know He wanted me to let go of my fears so I could live fully for Him, surrendered and serving the God who rescued me.
But there is still that thought. That I miss Him. I miss needing Him so desperately. And that's my fault, I know. And maybe that's why He allowed it. To teach me, to grow me up in Him. To help me see that no matter what, however many times others failed me or I failed myself, He would always be there. Waiting. Longing for me to cry out to Him just as a child cries out to her daddy and he gladly runs and picks her up, dusting her off and saying everything is okay now. And she wholeheartedly believes him. She trusts that He knows what He is talking about because he is her daddy and daddy's know everything.
And then there is that other thought. That I should trust God so much, I should love and adore Him so strongly, that it looks like that of a small daughter, relying fully on her daddy to figure everything out. Not even questioning how she'll be provided for because she knows He already has it taken care of. That no matter what the cricumstance, no matter how my life looks, good or bad, I should choose to rely on Him completely. To seek Him everyday even if I am not struggling but just because I love Him and it's I've been given a choice to be able to be near to Him whenever I want. And how cool is that. That I am allowed to even seek the creator of the everything. To seek the one who made me.
He made me.
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart..."-Jeremiah 1:5