I feel it's important for me to be honest with you all. Not that I haven't been before, but I really have a desire to share pieces of my story if it means one person will be encouraged. If one person will know Christ because of anything I say, that'd be neat.
..it's been hard for me to get into the word lately. I've just found myself so busy. Telling myself I'll have time later, but never getting to it and even when I do, I feel as though I am just reading and not allowing God to change me.
Even beyond that, I've been feeling so worn out. I don't even know that I have reason to be worn but I just am.
Sometimes, when I let anxiety get to me, when I give it control over my emotions &
forget to take care of ignore it, when I think I can figure it out on my own without clinging to God & His true word, things get harder to deal with.
& here's another issue. I have this HUGE problem with living by my feelings. If I allow fear in my heart & mind, if I give it any power over me, I act out according to the fear. Instead of truly speaking God's truth over me, instead of really believing His promise for my life, I believe fear.
& it paralyzes me.
You know what God says about fear? "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7
God wouldn't say that if it weren't true, because God is NOT a liar.
The liar is the enemy. he is literally, a big fat horrible LIAR. & I am so sick of buying into it. You know what my husband says to me when my anxiety is bad? Well, back story.. he used to deal with it as a kid and after a couple years.. he figured it out. He would no longer buy into what satan had to say to him. He refused to back down or stand for it any longer & I kid you not, he has never been the same. My husband can see a lie before I even know it's been told. Because he REFUSED to listen to one more lie. He always tells me, don't you ever stand for that because the one truth is, JESUS, He LOVES YOU. Nothing else matters. Nothing else. NOTHING. & this isn't preschool stuff for a girl who never learned it until she was older. For his wife who hasn't yet learned that there is nothing wrong with her. That the God of the Bible, the One & only, is her One and only. Sometimes, I forget & being the leader & husband that he is, he reminds me to never back down & to not stand for that crap. Because Jesus, He came to bring life. and that enemy? he comes to steal, kill & destroy. literally folks. he will destroy everything if we allow him to. But you wanna know the ending? The TRUTH?-he looses. and Jesus- HE WINS. Every.Single.Time.
& something else. I just want to be clear when I say, I have tried fixing my own problems. Believe me. & to be fair, one thing helped. & that was solely because it was godly counsel. From my husband & others. But even that wasn't outside of God & His word. Because anxiety or not, I have no reason to not be in control of how I think. Why is it my responsibility? Because God asks it of me.
"Finally, brethren, whatever is true (big one for me), whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things." Philippians 4:8
You know what isn't any of those things? ANY thought that causes fear or distrust in the Lord. Because those things aren't true. Dwell on the Lord and His sweet promises. Trust & hope in the future He so longs to give you & already has.
Nothing outside of who God is and who He says I am will ever work for me when I battle this. I know this because nothing else ever has. Because I have tried & figured out that this world cannot offer me anything. It has no promise for me. it has no hope, no future, no comfort, no reassurance. There is nothing that will ever be enough here. God is the only One who has power over all & the only One I want to have power over my life. His true mercy, His hopes & dreams for me, His unending love for his daughter.
& that's my stand today. No matter what. If I have bad days, so what. God still loves me. I had a real hard time with getting control of my mind today? SO WHAT. God still loves me. I messed up? Who cares, God still loves me. I'm a horrible person? YUP! & you know why that doesn't bother me? Because GOD still loves me. Because not one person is good apart from God.
Have you ever heard that hymn.. there's nothing good in me, but JESUS... That's my favorite. Because I know, there is nothing worth it here. Nothing good enough in me without Him. Not one thing. & that comforts me. In case you're wondering.. He loves you. He LOVES YOU. YOU. You are worth it to Him.
& I read this the other day... when I refused to go one more day without letting God say something to me & you wanna know what God said.. to me?
"How can I give up on you, (Jess). . . How can I turn you loose? How can I leave you ruined like Admah, devastated like luckless Zeboim? My insides churn in protest. And so I am not going to act on my anger. I'm not going to destroy Ephraim. And why? (this just spoke so true to me about who God is) Because I am God and not human. I'm the Holy One and I'm here-in your very midst."
Give Him a chance to change your life. Let Him take your mess, like He took mine, & make you His beautiful daughter.