Struggles.

Question:
What are you currently struggling or grappling with in your life?

I had no intention on writing a post today. Until I saw this one.
I think it is so important to share where our hearts are and our struggles in this life.
Lately I have been struggling with the thought of trusting God with my WHOLE life.
You know that thing your pastor always says?
"Are you trusting God with most of your life, but there is that one area that you won't let Him have?"
And I'm like, no. I'm good.
For a long time I believed that. I am such an open person.
Especially with the Lord. I want Him to change every part of me.  Not because I'm good, but because I am not. So I really believed, there wasn't anything I was holding back.
Then I realized, there are at least 2 areas that I have not fully given to the Lord.
One is money. I talked about this a while back. So believe me, I have been convicted of it and have been mulling it over for some time now.
Recently, we were given a gift by an anonymous family in our church.
Whoever you are, and if you are reading this. THANK YOU.
I have NEVER been more blessed than by those of you with full hearts of giving at Access.
The note was the sweetest. Thanking us for what we do at Access and how much they appreciated us.
I want to give them a hug. Maybe cry.
Unfortunately for me, their hearts are so filled with Christ's love, they didn't even want recognition for this incredible act of kindness.
I asked my husband, what should we do with this gift?
He told me the decision was mine.
I hate that he did that. I don't want to decide.
Because I am having this dilemma.
Do I want the gift? Duh. I want to take it & use it for a little mini vaca for my hubby and I so we can have some time alone.
Would it be wrong for me to do that? No. Maybe it would even be good for us to take some time for ourselves and focus on growing our marriage.
But there is a question lingering in my heart and in my head.
Do I need the money? The answer is no.
I know some of you think I'm weird.
Someone gave you money girl, it's yours.
But here's the thing. I don't believe it is. And after writing this post, I am convinced that the Lord wants to bless me in a better way than just excepting this gift and using it on myself.
Is this hard for me? UM YA.
That's my struggle friends. I want to use it.. thus the struggle.

  The other is all about me needing to let God have control in a specific area of my life. It's something that I always thought was my decision.
I didn't need to consult the Lord on this.
It was my way or no way.
How wrong I am for thinking like this. As if I have some sort of control over my life anyways?  As if I get to decide what's best for me?  No. I don't want decide because I know I am only human and what God has for me is so, SO much better than I could ever come up with on my own.  Prayer is always welcomed & fully appreciated. :)