Wednesday, September 4, 2013

There is HOPE.

 I remember the first time I had anxiety. 
I was little and I was so afraid my mom was going to die. 
The struggle was, I didn't live with my mom. So "protecting" her or making sure she was OK, wasn't in my control. I wasn't even allowed to call her long distance from our home phone so my mom would buy me prepaid cards and I would walk to Wal-Mart so I could talk to her, to make sure she was OK. She gave me a small little flute that had her name engraved on it and I carried it around everywhere with me. Convinced that if I held it close, nothing would happen to her. 
I remember her reassuring me on the phone that nothing was going to happen to her and I would count down the days until it was her weekend to have us. 
Over time, I grew up and realized my fear wasn't going to come true. 
Like with any anxiety.. it never does. 
 Fear presented itself in many ways for me after that.
I remember each time, I cried and cried, wanting it to just all go away. 
When God came into my life, or rather, I began to recognize His being there all along, I began to cry out to Him that if He would just take this away, I would never ask for anything ever again.
I remember for a little while it didn't seem so bad. 
But each time I would get hurt by someone, or felt abandoned, it would come back, threatening to destroy me. 
One year, when Nathan and I were dating, he left for youth camp that I wasn't able to go on.
I think that was a breaking point for me. 
Fearing he wouldn't want me when he came back.
Afraid he might change his mind and I would be left alone. 
And in the end, that would leave me alone and not OK.
When he came back he assured me time and again he didn't have plans of going anywhere and wanted to make me his wife. But the feeling wouldn't go away. I couldn't shake the fear anymore. I thought once he returned it would all be better and when it wasn't, it scared me even more.
I went to counseling for maybe 4 sessions and skipped out.
Thought I was "all better."
After we got married, New fears presented themselves.
Ones I felt like I would never be able to shake.
Ones that I accepted I would have to walk around with the rest of my life.
Oh the lies I believed.
Friends hear me on this..
I have feared everything.
Every. single. thing.
I could go on and on about how random my fears are.
How they paralyze me.
How I have never met someone with anxiety with the same fears that I have.
(& maybe that's out of fear of sharing them)
But God NEVER left me there.
Do I still struggle? YES.
Has He brought me out of the deep, dark places I used to go when I had anxiety? YES.
I used to cry every single day for what seems like years.
Poor Nathan.
He is such a good husband. He would speak truth to me over and over and assure me that my fears were just that, fears. 
He would sit with me and explain, that logically,
He would pray with me and for me.
He would call me and check on me.
He would listen and open his Bible and read it to me.
In this time, my husband revealed to me, so much of who Jesus is.
He was also the one who encouraged me to seek help.
To talk to someone who would understand anxiety and also who would lead me in
God's truth. 
& so I went back to counseling.
But this time?
This time was different.
I drove there shaking.
Convinced that she would probably tell me I was crazy or something was wrong with me.
That she would confirm, that yes, all along, it had been God speaking these things to me.
As if He were angry with me or punishing me. Yes, I believed this.
& as I am sure you can guess, that didn't happen at all.
She showed me so much about myself. She showed concern and love for me.
I sat and I cried and cried as we went over things that had broken me.
Things that hurt me badly and things I never wanted to deal with.
But through her I saw Jesus work.
He began to heal areas I didn't even know were broken.
He began to shape me as I finally allowed Him to help me.
Each time was easier, better.
 & for the first time in so long, I felt okay.
It took a while and a lot of hard work. 
I had to deal with things I didn't want to.
Face fears I never thought I could.
But all of those things allowed the Lord to change me. 
To show me there wasn't anything to fear when He was with me. 
He holds me in the palm of His hand. His mighty hand. 
If anxiety is something you struggle with.. or depression.. or anything really, hear me when I say this...
God is near you sweet friends. 
When your world is caving in and you feel hopeless, lost, and like this will never, ever end,
 I promise you it will. 
Seek the Lord. Seek healthy relationships. Seek Counsel.
Speak truth to yourself and allow others to speak truth to you.
Soak it in and listen, without fear, to what God says to your heart.
Because God never, NEVER, speaks to us through anxiety. 
Remember what I said, anxiety is a lie & God does NOT lie.
Remember this. Hold it close and hide His word in your heart. 
Memorize verses, journal about your struggle, 
talk to people who care about you and will lead you to Jesus.
& keep seeking the Lord. He is right there with you. 
He never left.
 ps. if you ever need someone to talk to please, email me. i've been there & i want nothing more than for God to us my story, my struggles, to help others. let's be friends.


  1. Oh Darling, your heart is beautiful! And you are filled with strength and fearlessness. :)

  2. Jess, I can't thank you enough for your beautiful honesty. I too struggle with anxiety. It can be a very lonely place at times. So often as women we put on brave faves and try to fake that we are good and have everything under control. I thank you for the reminder that not only do we have amazing sisters in Christ, but also an amazing Savior that are there to support us in this world. Your blog is a blessing. We may never meet but know you are prayed for and a blessing!!

  3. Thanks for sharing Jess. I struggle lots with depression and gosh sometimes I feel like it's going to swallow me whole! I know there is hope... I've felt it many many times...all in HIM!

  4. Oh wow.... can totally relate to some of this. I've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for most of my life. It's hard - but focusing on Christ has helped so much along the way. Thanks for sharing your story! I want to hug ya! And can I just say that God is SO good for blessing you with a faithful husband who can help call you away from the darkness?! How awesome that he can encourage and remind you of the TRUTH!!!

  5. Beautiful Jess. Your honesty is so encouraging. Emailing you.

  6. Sending love your way. Thank you for sharing! When I get some more essential oil samples next week, I would love to send some your way....
    Let me know if you would like me to send some to you!

  7. Thank you for being so honest and speaking so much truth! So thankful that you share the hope and you are living proof of hope. Being open about it affirms the hope even more!

  8. I have anxiety too, and have found peace through our Heavenly Father as well. I actually blogged about it today. Thanks for speaking words to my soul. :)

    1. Awe girl, I hear you. So, so happy you have Jesus to help! I will definitely stop by your blog girl!! :)


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