Saturday, August 17, 2013

Holding nothing back.


As a lot of you know, we are in the process of finding a new home.
That is, as soon as the sale on ours is final.
Fortunately for us, we are making a little bit of money so we are able to put a good amount down.
But lately I've been thinking about our lives and the goals we have.
Hear me when I say, I don't think there is anything wrong with owning a nice home. Heck, I loved my last house, we put a lot of love (and money!) into that home and remodeled just about everything. It didn't have a pool, it wasn't very big, and we had minimal closet space, but we were happy.  
We just couldn't live 50 miles away from our church community.

I told Nathan today there is so much we could do with that money.
So much good.
It could go one of two ways:
We tithe 10% then we use the rest for a down payment 
on a new home. We would be happy with that decision, no doubt.
We would have a place where people were welcome. We would host a lot of birthday parties and get-togethers. Anytime we could, our house would be open to our family, students and friends. It would be a good decision and we would be comfortable with it. We would use it for good and I know having a home is important.
OR
We use it in whatever other way the Lord asks us to. 
This could look so different as there are many things that have been on our hearts and minds. 
We could use it to allow Nathan to quit his job for a year and go into full-time ministry. Fully trusting that after the year was up, the Lord would provide a new way for him to stay in full time ministry.
We could adopt some kids. I'm serious. Like more than one. After going on that Mission trip, my heart just hurts for all those children without loving families.
We could give it away. I don't exactly know how this would look but I know there are many, many people in need.
These too, are good decisions.
 However,  they may be a little more on the uncomfortable side of things. 
Just the thought of them almost brings me to a very high anxiety level. 
Think we've lost our minds, yet?
I just know myself. I know that if I never, ever give God a chance to show me just how faithful He is, I might always be living in a life full of fear. 
Please hear me when I say, I love my life. I love my husband very much
 and I feel so incredibly blessed that we get to do ministry together. 
But I know there is more to this life than making sure I'm happy.
As many fears as I have, one of my biggest is to not live the life God intended me to. 
And that's a "good" fear.
I don't want to live for myself.
I don't want to be pursing things that aren't God's best for me.
I don't want to settle for a life of fear if all I have to do is step out of my comfort zone just once and really, really trust God.
I mean come on, it's not like we have ever been broke
We always have a certain amount in our bank account, an amount that makes me feel "safe."
I have a home security system.
We have 3 cars.
I buy Starbucks wayyyy too much.
I say "I'm broke" when I am uncomfortable with spending more money than I'm used to.
I buy clothes when I want. 
I have a pretty little diamond ring on my finger.
I can't even name all the Apple products we own, it's embarrassing. 
How in any way will any of what I just said cause me to ever have to trust God. 
If I can't trust Him for my needs, how can I possibly trust Him with my deepest fears?
The reason I share so much on my blog, is because every single person reading it, matters to me. 
It would be a dream come true if we could all meet and have one big bloggy friend party. 
I just want you all to know my heart and come alongside us in prayer.
Our minds aren't made up either way.
I really don't know what God will decide to do.
I just feel like we made a decision, because it was just what seemed like the next best thing for our life.
And now Nathan and I are both wondering,
What would it look like to fully surrender to the Lord?
This might mean a house. 
Or a full time ministry opportunity for my husband. 
Or both.
There is definitely room here for adjustments to both scenarios. 
Let's be clear on one thing:
I'm scared. (I know, what else is new?!)
I don't like feeling uncomfortable. 
I have no idea, as an adult, what it means to be broke. 
I am terrified because I experienced it when I was younger and I couldn't protect myself.
I had no means of relying on me and yet, somehow, God always provided. 
Because I am here now.
& I refuse to let the enemy instill fear in my heart about this.
To give into the lie that the Lord won't come through.
Because He has something really amazing for me, for us, I just know it. 
Pray with us, will you?

6 comments:

  1. Love you both!!! Praying with you through this!!

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    1. LOL!! Beth was logged in on my computer...that was actually ME!!

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  2. Best of luck with your decisions!

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  3. Love your honesty! As humans, sometimes it can be so hard to put 100% trust in God. Well, it can be for me sometimes! Love your outlook! Praying!

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  4. I just read this.. sorry :/

    So thankful for your truth and your transparency. Sharing your heart helps so many other people.
    God has gone before you. And now here you are :)

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  5. I also just saw this post after seeing that you bought the house.

    It's so hard to trust sometimes. We're currently (have been and I'm sure will always be) struggling financially, and with our first baby coming in less than 4 weeks, we have renovations to finish, things to buy, and then just regular things to keep up the house. We are generally lucky if we have more than a couple hundred in our account and this last project will cost us at least 1,000. Since I don't work in the summer, money has been even tighter than normal, so it's been hard to relax. Even going back to work after the baby, I thought I was going to be keeping a temporary job that paid more money, but I need to go back to the lower paying job. Definitely not easy to trust that we'll be ok when we don't even pay our rent because we don't have enough. Luckily we live above understanding ILs that we do work for.

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