I always wondered what I would write in this post if I ever became pregnant. I knew I wanted to tell our story no matter how it came about but for almost a year, I didn't know that there would be a story to write. At least not one about pregnancy.
I have so much to say in this post and I am really unsure how say it all so I will do my best to start from the beginning..
When Nathan and I were first married, I wanted a baby like half way into our first year of marriage.
Nathan, being much wiser than I, dreamed with me, but was very careful in letting me know we weren't ready just yet. I was OK with that and just figured one day we would be. Before I got married, I started experiencing intense anxiety. You can read a little about that part of my life here.
After we were married, anxiety almost all but subsided for a year or so. I was happy for once and not living in a constant state of fear.
Until I found new things to worry about.
Somewhere along the road, having kids became one of those deep fears. I don't even think I realized how deeply I had let the enemy root a lie in me until I started experiencing healing years later. I was afraid of anything that had to do with having a child.
Afraid I would be a horrible mom.
Afraid I wasn't cut out for it.
Afraid that something was wrong with me.
So I all but convinced myself, I didn't want kids. It was easier than facing my fears so I just began to believe the lies.
Until my husband came to me a little over a year ago and dropped a bomb.
"Hey sweetie, when do you think you may be ready to think about having a baby one day?"
He was very cautious and very kind but I am sure I said something about how that wasn't the "agreement" and I had thought we just decided we wouldn't have them. That was the plan right? Run from my fears forever?
I finally told him I would think & pray about it. I had been to counseling quite a bit that past year and experienced a lot of healing from it. I was starting to believe God and trust not only Him but myself. Still, this scared me.
I didn't pray for a while. I didn't want to. I just figured he would change his mind again.
But I couldn't escape his words. & I couldn't escape the Lord pleading softly with me to please give up control in this area. It was that one thing pastors alwayss teach on. You know the one.. what's the one area you won't give to God? The one place in your life you won't let Him in? And I would always be like, nah, that's not me, I tell Him everything.
But then it hit me. There was one thing I controlled and made sure of it.
& that was having a baby. I was very "strict" in this area of my life because I refused to believe anything but the fear that was planted much too deeply in my heart.
Until I started to really believe God when He said I could trust Him. I could feel Him softly chipping away at my control and asking me to let go. I finally agreed. After months of ignoring and/or pleading that there be another way. It wasn't easy at first to give up control but when I did, I could feel the weight getting lighter. It was no longer my choice. No longer my burden to bear but Jesus had taken that from me. Whatever was to happen concerning a family for us, had become entirely up to Him.
I think part of my figured that meant we would get pregnant right way. That He would show me that He was in control.
But like always, God never works in the way we expect Him to or think He should. And can I just say I am so, so glad??
It had been almost a year and there were some months I thought I was pregnant, but it always turned out, I wasn't. I think it's important for me to note we were not trying. We had both decided early on that this would be God's doing and none of our own. I didn't believe He was asking me to let go of the control to prevent a pregnancy to fall right into controlling achieving a pregnancy. No I don't believe "trying" means not preventing. For us, it truly meant allowing The Lord to do whatever He wanted.
Because God was healing this area of my life I started to wonder what was wrong. How come we couldn't have a baby? & then the dreaded, I guess this is what God had decided all along. Yes, that I should trust Him, but also that I should trust Him whether that meant baby or not.
If I can be honest, I felt betrayed. I thought that when He asked me to give up control, it meant we would have a baby. I started to become very hopeful & a deep desire to be a mom had started to root itself deep within me despite the fears sometimes still haunting me.
I remember the day before I found out I was pregnant I sat in my husbands office and sobbed. How come we can't have a baby? Why would God ask this of me but then leave me here? What's wrong with me? Was I right all along, I shouldn't have babies and God was just confirming it?
My sweet husband. I'll never forget His words.
"Baby, so what. So what if we can't have a baby, we'll have a great marriage. We'll be happy because we'll be together, whatever God decides. He's in control and has the best for us."
And then the next day I saw two pink lines on the pregnany test. And my life was changed forever.
God has been so gracious to us. He has never ever let me down & I don't know why I thought He ever would. Even if He had chose for us to not be parents, I know He always does what is best for us.
I had come to terms with trusting Him no matter what the outcome, hard or not, and He remained faithful.
Giving up this area in my life to Him was the hardest thing I've had to do in my adult life. I just didn't know if I could truly live out the faith He was calling me to. And you know what? I didn't. Not on my own anyways. That was all Him. His choice for our lives. And I wouldn't have it any other way.