10 signs you're a new mama

Your baby is 4 months old and anyone who comes near her must have clean hands. If they want to hold the baby, you must actually see the hand washing take place. You don't anticipate this not being required until they're about a year old. 

You never put your baby down. After all, you only have one, why put her down when she is much better soothed in your arms. 

You & your husband are able to stare at, talk to & make all sorts of sounds at your baby for at least an hour without getting bored. You have no place to be and no toddler telling you they "poo pooed in their pants." 

Trips to the store are fairly easy considering you only have one in tow. I should know, I nannied multiples. That stuff is hard! 

Your iPhone is always giving you the "memory is full, please check your settings" message when attempting the a fourtheenth video to get that laugh recorded. 

When your baby reaches a milestone, You tweet, facebook, and Instragram the cuse out of it. 

You've called your pediatricians office more times than you would care to admit & about things you would really not care to admit. 

You're texting your sister, mom, aunt, BFFL, and anyone else who will respond promptly, an unheard of amount of times a minute. Sending info about your baby's poop, asking questions like "she keeps farting in her sleep, is that normal??" & maybe just a success story about how your baby just fell asleep in the car ON HER OWN. *fist pump! 

Your husband has banned you from google because you always come to the conclusion that your child must have Ebola & that's why she spit up last night. 

You're still really careful about nursing in public and take drastic measures to make sure your baby doesn't kick that cover off because you don't need the whole world seeing that. I've heard it gets easier with more & many are willing to just "whip it out" when they're little love is hungry. 

New mamas, anything you might add?! 

Baby Elle's Birth story

I'm actually started writing this part in the early stages of labor. . I don't know what I was thinking but I was totally calm when it was time to go & I felt like it might be easier to remember if I start writing it down. . 

Thursday night around 5:30 my back started hurting. It was an Achey, menstural like cramp that was pretty consistent. We decided to pull out all the stops and went to grab some spicy chinese. By this point I was pretty uncomfortable sitting in a booth and we needed to drive about 15 min to drop off something to some friends. The car was making it very uncomfortable so we stopped at Target so I could use the restroom and take a couple laps. We made it once around & I just wanted to go home. Once home, I lied down for about an hour & my back was still hurting. I had noticed my tummy would tighten at times but it was very sporadic so I decided to jump in the shower which helped tremendously. We stayed up & talked until about 11 then headed to bed. I woke up at 1 having bad heartburn & then realized I was having the same back pain and tummy tightening so I decided to start monitoring it. For an hour they were about every 7 min and lasting for about 40 sec each. I had been having BH  for about a week an a half before this which was just a strange tightening but this time my back hurt as well. My upper back was also hurting due to other things I'm sure & I had a wicked headache from lack of sleep. I text my sister to update her and ask her some questions and she said she thought I was probably in the early stages. I finally decided to get out of bed & accidentally woke up my husband who decided it was time to get up clean & the whole house. No, I'm serious, he did the laundry, the dishes & was wiping counters and cleaning up our living room. He even made the bed at one point. He came out and caught me stuffing my face with an icee cup from our freezer. While he was cleaning,  I had some tea and decided to lie back down on the couch & begin monitoring again since I was up and moving I didn't seem to feel them as much. 

 Finally Nathan decided to join me on the couch and we were talking about it possibly being the day. I got up to use the restroom and as soon as I got to the hallway, water started pouring down my legs. I looked up at Nathan and told him I thought I was peeing. He laughed and said no honey your water broke. So he grabbed some towels and helped me clean it up. He started packing his bag and I added a couple toiletries to mine. Nathan grabbed everything and put it in the car. He was certainly excited it was really cute how he was rushing to make sure we had everything. We then agreed it would be good to go get some donuts and I ate 2 knowing I wouldn't be able to eat for a while ;) 

I had put a panty liner on because,

Well because I'm so smart and thought if my water broke any more, that would hold it. Well, as soon as we got to the hospital, I stepped out of the car and it started gushing out again. Nathan grabbed some necessities & we started walking to the entrance. A nurse who was leaving saw me soaking wet and waddling and was wanting to know if she could help or get a wheelchair. I told her I was fine (my contractions still weren't hurting at this point) and we made our way to labor & delivery. 

I had pre-registered so imagine my surprise when I was standing there soaking wet explaining my water broke and they're asking me a ton of questions. I just kept thinking.. Is this necessary? I'm soaking wet! Finally they got me into a triage room. They then asked Nathan to wait outside so they could ask me the typical questions and then left me alone for what seemed like forever. I wanted to walk out and ask for my husband but he came in shortly after.

 Soon after that,  I stated to feel the contractions. They were totally bearable but did hurt a little at this point. I decided to start practice breathing through them to help when they got more Intense & my triage nurse encouraged me to try humming. This actually proved to help me sooo much thoughout my Labor! I had Nathan turn our playlist on and I began humming through the songs. The triage nurse then checked me.. I was a 3 (was a 2 at my last appt). I should mention that my next appt was actually supposed to be that morning at 8:30am. At this point I think it was around 7:30 when they admitted me & began preparing a room for me in L&D. 

At this point some lady came in to get some blood from me and put my IV in. She clearly didn't know what she was doing and was shaking the whole time I couldn't even look. It hurt so bad already and then she dropped a vile and it starting shooting everywhere. I then threw up. She then kept getting blood & then ended up THROWING IT AWAY. I have no idea what the heck but I was all done with her. 

Upon arrival all they would talk about was putting me on pitocin. They had only checked me ONE time & immediately wanted to start it. We said no. We started walking the halls and I was having contractions every 30 sec in my back. We began praying that I would get to a certain point so they would quit pushing the pitocin. We walked the whole time unless they wanted to monitor me and baby for 20 min and then after they were done we were right back out walking the halls. I took the advice from the triage nurse and hummed during contractions. We had made a play list well in advance and I hummed through old hymns and hillsong and elevation worship. This might be surprising to some people but this was my favorite time. Nathan walked with me the whole time and would stop and hold me and rub my back during each one. Although they hurt, I knew The Lord was with me and I kept getting emotional during some of my favorite worship songs knowing that He had such good things in store for us & already had given us so much. If they wouldn't have pushed pitocin, and this may be me being naive, but I honestly think I could have stuck to my plan to not have medication at all. 

So, the nurse had told us if we could get to a 5 on our own within a certain amount of time, we could keep pushing the pitocin back. After hours and many other answered prayers she came back in, put me on the monitor for 20 minutes then let me know she would give me another hour or so because she was going to get some lunch. When she got back and checked me I was almost a 5 but not totally there. By that point we had been there for 7 hours and they were getting antsy about me not progressing as fast as they would like (So annoying). Our nurse was pushing us telling us the dr on call would only give me so much longer so we asked her to leave so we could talk about it. I told Nathan there was no way I was getting on pitocin without an epidural. Which scared me. More than anything else, the epidural freaked me out. I was so worried I would be the small percentage that was paralyzed from it or something. My sweet husband was so amazing. He prayed for us then I asked him to please make a decision.  We decided I would get the pitocin but also the epidural. The reason we had to talk about it was because I was really aiming for a natural birth & up until then, I thought it just might happen. Even as I look back now, I can see the Lord in this decision. 

We let the nurse know and the anesthesiologist came in shortly after. We had our worship music still playing and he walked in and immediately sneered "can you turn that noise off?!" So Nathan gave me a look & walked over to turn it down. I just smiled and said "that's our music." He then asked if I wanted an epidural and I responded that I had some questions (remember I'm terrified at this point). He stormed to the door and said "well you either want one or don't, I was told you did!" At which point my nurse walked back in and asked what was going on. Then I immediately started crying out of fear and my nurse asked if he would stay and answer my questions. He was very short with me & basically said suck it up, I've never seen that happen in all my years. After that, through hysteria, they gave me the epidural, which didn't hurt at all. The IV hurt worse! All the while he was talking to Nathan asking about his job. When he started telling him he worked for a church he rudely asked if he went to school for that then was surprised you could even go to school for something like that. Looking back, I can't even believe how rude he was but brushed it off then because I was drugged and happy now. Right after, they started me on pitocin and we had a shift change so I got a new nurse. 

At some point, my sweet dr eventually came in to visit me. My office has on call doctors so you basically get who you get & unfortunately it wasn't her shift that night. But She did come to check on me and look over my chart.. Said she knew something must be up since I missed my appt. She also mentioned that we might not have a baby that night which actually brought me comfort. I was glad my doctor wasn't pushing me to have the baby and hurry up and get out. She talked to us for a little while longer & I was so glad I got to see her. She even made a joke about how my blood pressure was actually low because every time I would see her, it was elevated. 

Eventually they upped my pitocin to the highest, because I guess to them, why not? I was drugged. I also had a new nurse, 1 of 4 just in my time of being in labor and delivery, who proved to be the best nurse I could have ever asked for and was really amazing with me, even at my worst. After that, everything started moving really fast. I was at a 7 when she checked me around 8 I believe and By 10pm I was almost fully dilated with a tiny bit of cervix left. She let me know I could labor down & anticipated a quick birth because  she could feel the baby. My mom & sister left assuming I would have a baby within 2 hours tops...unfortunately that was not the case. From there.. Everything is kind of a blur. 

I started to push at around 10:30. My nurse kept encouraging me that it wouldn't be long. At one point we joked that we were in a race with another couple down the hall. She beat me. 
I pushed for about 2 hours and I could feel my epidural wearing off. At first, I was glad. I could feel more of something and it was easier to push while feeling the contractions. I literally told her to turn off my medicine and that I would be fine. I was delirious, I am telling you. I don't know how I thought I would be OK on the highest drip of pitocin without some sort of pain medication but I was determined. My nurse had even told Nathan to get ready to call the Dr. soon because Elle should be making her arrival soon, so I thought, I can handle this pain.. Especially since she says it's going to happen really soon. She was helping the baby down while I pushed and said I was at -3. Which is right before the baby comes out. I think you can get to the -4 station which is when baby will come out.

anyways - fast forward to TWO MORE HOURS of pushing .. WITHOUT an epidural. Looking back I don't know what I was thinking ..I guess that my dream to give birth naturally might actually come true? The Dr. on call came in and asked what was wrong as I don't think he was aware of my decision to stop my epidural. He then checked me himself to see how far I had progressed. By this time I was in such bad pain I was praying & hoping he would say she was really close. When he said I was at a -1, I LOST it. Somehow I had gone backwards?!! I remember the pain was so bad I was screaming for medicine. I heard him say after I got meds again, I could push for another HOUR if I wanted before he had to take me back to the OR. After all, Elle was doing great & wasn't in any distress (Thank God!) At first I thought, OK, I could do that, but the medication took what seemed like forever & it wasn't kicking in right away. Did I mention they had performed 12 C-sections that day and the Dr on call had joked with me earlier that I better not be his 13th. Reallllyy comforting at this point. 

My nurse & jerk anesthesiologist were arguing about what to give me and I am pretty sure I turned to Nathan and cursed.. something about they needed to shut up & just give me something. At this point my body just kind of shut down. I could no longer push through the contractions as they were coming on so strong & fast, I couldn't even take a small break. I looked at Nathan and said "I can't do this, I feel like I am going to die." and I was crying & begging for him to make a decision because I was terrified of going through a c-section but knew it may be my only choice at this point.. my poor husband y'all. But how brave he was for me & I will never forget the way he looked at me and comforted me in those moments. If I have ever seen Jesus in someone, it was in that moment when my husband told me everything was going to be okay and how much he loved me. He looked at the Dr and just stated that we would like to go back now. & everything began to be prepped. He called my mom and asked her to please come down as we were hoping she could stay in the OR with me once he went with Elle to the nursery. They wouldn't allow it. 

They gave me some gross drink which I threw up and my medicine had just started to kick in. I had been awake for 26 hours & began to fall asleep as they pushed me into the OR. I was so afraid that I would fall asleep and miss her birth but how naive I was to think C-sections don't hurt. I cried the whole way into that OR room and continued to until my anesthesiologist said " Jessica, you need to stop crying. If you come in this room upset and crying, you're going to leave this room upset and crying." It took everything in me to not burst into tears even more than I was after he was so cold with me. How could you look at someone in the situation I was in and not have an ounce of sympathy? Nathan wasn't with me yet and I remember feeling so alone but remembered that Nathan asked the nurse to please let me take in my phone as it was playing our worship list we had created for birth. I don't remember what song was playing but I remember being so thankful my husband thought to ask that & how comforting that the Lord was still speaking to me through that even though I was too upset to pay attention. 

I remember the anesthesiologist trying to give me more medicine through my IV and mentioning it wasn't in right. I was thinking he better get it working or give me a new one because I didn't want to feel them cutting into me. The first time they tested if I could feel it, I could. The second I could feel but it didn't hurt. They started to cut and there was a lot of jerking me around and I could feel some things. Nathan came in shortly after and sat down right by me stroking my hair and holding my hand. I was gripping his hand so tight I am surprised he didn't wince. I felt burning at one point and asked him if it were normal. He replied " it's not normal but there is nothing I can do about it." UM ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I thought for sure Nathan was going to lose it. He then began asking about Elle's name and what it meant. Nathan explained it meant God's promise in Hebrew & He started questioning if we knew what it really meant.. I couldn't understand why he kept attacking us..

The next thing I knew someone said, OK you're going to feel a lot of pressure & at 2:48 am on Saturday, July 26th, I felt them pull Elle from my body. I was saying "cry baby, cry" just wanting to hear her little cry and then there it was. I was so happy to hear her scream & let us know she was OK. I heard the nurses saying how huge she was and I was thinking what in the world, how big of a baby did I have?! (She was only 7 pounds 14 oz so I don't know what they were talking about.) I then began asking Nathan "is she cute, is she cute?!" to which he responded "she's so beautiful." I told him to go be with her so she didn't have to be without us. He walked over to her and she was still wailing, so he gently said "hi baby" and she immediately stopped & just looked up at her daddy. Within 5 minutes, Nathan brought her to me and even though  I wasn't able to hold her, I snuggled her little face with mine while crying happy tears & I was pulling her hat off so I could see her hair & telling her I loved her & giving her kisses. They took her shortly after and Nathan went with them & was able to hold her skin to skin. She tried nursing on him & we still laugh about it. 

Turns out, Elle was stuck in my pubic bone and he had to yank her out. Upon yanking her out, he almost dropped her because lo and behold, she had the cord wrapped around her little leg.. explaining why each time after I pushed, she would just go right back to where she was. Nathan didn't get to cut the cord because the DR had to untangle it from her leg & cut it to get it off.  Basically, she wasn't coming out any other way except via C-Section. She had a little bubble type thing on her head filled with fluids (forgot what they called it) because she was so stuck in there! 

They wheeled me into recovery & I was shaking horribly. I immediately started asking when I could see Elle & Nathan. My nurse asked if I was sure I was ready and I told her I was. She called down and a couple minutes later Nathan came in pushing Elle in her bassinet. He picked her up & snuggled her close while walking her over to me. I remember asking for my phone because this moment was so precious & I started snapping pictures. They handed her to me while Nathan helped hold her up (because I was still shaking) and she began nursing immediately. I am so, SO thankful she latched on so quickly and effortlessly in that moment. It was an incredible answer to prayer after what we had just been through. 

It took me a while to type all of this out (hello! She was born almost 4 months ago!) because I felt robbed. Robbed of the perfect birth story. The perfect experience. The perfect feelings. If I can be honest, I was mad at God for the way things turned out (more on that in another post) But I realized that none of those things matter. My birth story wasn't even close to perfect, in fact I would argue that it was traumatic. But it was MY story. It was how that sweet baby girl of mine was brought into this world & the Lord has a plan and purpose even in our messy story. And ultimately I thank God every day that He kept Elle safe & that she IS perfect. And amazing, and the best thing that's ever happened to Nathan & I. 

SO What Wednesday

It's Been FOREVER since I have done one of these.. but they're my favvvvvv. 

So What if:

I'm 39.5 weeks & still pregnant.. AND am irrational and absolutely convinced this child is staying in there forever.

I'm highly emotional and cry at e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. because #pregnancy

I finally gave into my donut craving and have had them almost every day. 

We also drove 30 miles out of our way just to get said Krispy Kreme donuts

I also ate 8 of the 12 by myself. 

I've washed the boppy cover 4x because it keeps getting put in places I think aren't clean. 

I also realized how stupid this was because it's going in our car, the hospital.. etc etc. 

I didn't think it through and had my last appointment on a Tuesday only to realize this appointment will be on a Friday! It's just so long to wait in between at this stage...

I changed my mind after yesterday's post and decided today I AM in fact ready for this little girl to make her appearance. These Braxton hicks are getting super annoying & with each one I find myself wishing they were painful contractions. 

Nothing helps with heartburn these days, I'll just start eating icecream for every meal. Specifically the cotton candy ice cream from Target that I found. That's right folks, go get yours today. (Not a paid advertisement, just a girl who loves cotton candy flavored anything ;)) 

Our new fridge wasn't able to be delivered until we will most likely be in the hospital.. At least we'll come home to a new fridge. Mom, could you be here to take care of that? ;)

We went to Target to try and walk this baby out and instead came home with stuff we didn't need. Shopping is my therapy. 

I'm seriously considering calling my Dr. to see if she has any earlier appointments this week. 

I'm super duper proud of myself for writing THREE blog posts this week. I honestly think it's been over a .. You're welcome. 

Happy Wednesday Friends! 😘 

39 Week 'bumpdate'

 39 Weeks!

HUGE difference in 9 weeks! 
Weight: 37 lbs. and I've topped out. I didn't gain anything two appointments ago & last week I lost a pound, which is really normal at this stage of pregnancy. However, I decided to eat ALL the donuts I wanted this past week so we'll see what the scale says at my dr appt ;)
Symptoms: all.the.symptoms. Let's see.. Heartburn (thank you for waking me up at 1 am and again at 3 am last night!), Braxton hicks..which are weird.. those started happening not too long after my last appointment..they start out almost like my belly goes up into my lungs and I have to catch my breath but not because they hurt. More.. back cramps, menstrual like cramps, sometimes headaches, constipation (sorry), nausea every once in a while if I don't eat for a few hours, fatigue, shortness of breath, so emotional (thanks so much hormones), hot flashes. Oh, and I am hungry all the time!

Clothes: all the maternity clothes. and only the bigger ones.. because I be showing belly if I try to squeeze into earlier trimester clothes. 

Sleep: hahahahaha! Between waking up every 1.5 hours to go to the bathroom, heartburn, pregnancy insomnia, sleep is pretty non-existent this days. So I just lay and stare at Nathan.. hating that he is snoring next to me.. 

Cravings/Aversions: Hey guys, I LOVE donuts. And after being really careful with not over indulging myself, I just went ahead and said oh what the hay.. I don't think I can count how many I've had in the past week. I'll give them up when baby comes. maybe. I also love smoothies, we have probably 2 a day.. and I have rekindled my love with Rita's Ice.. so there's that. I can finally eat lots these days and be extremely hungry again within an hour or two!
Baby- Little one is good! Her heart rate is always about 140-150 and she is usually pretty happy at appointments. She is getting rather large and I feel her everywhere.. I'm going to go ahead and guess she'll be .. 8 + pounds.. but hey, I'm not a Dr. 
Dr Appointment: Been the same with blood pressure.. it's still about 130-135/80 when I go in.. and then as soon as I lie down, it goes right back down to about 118/75 ish.. I don't have any protein in my urine, swelling, and after getting labs done to be safe, everything looks perfectly normal. My Dr. calls my high blood pressure "artificial" so she's keeping an eye on me.. but since it always goes down & since we monitor it at home (Dr. Nathan, y'all) and it's perfectly normal (except after that one trip to Costco but who can blame me) she's not too concerned. Alright so UPDATE on appointments. Yes, she started 'checking' me 3 weeks ago. The first one.. pretty much nothing. Second, a WHOLE centimeter and she was really low and Dr could feel her head! Third, TWO centimeters, 50% effaced and something about my water bulging..oh and she was pretty low and Dr could still feel the head... And TMI so STOP reading if you don't wanna hear it but I really want to remember this stuff! After my 2nd appointment I lost my..plug. Been 2 weeks tho.. so that clearly meant nothing. At my 37 week appointment  she stripped my membranes without me even knowing she was going to.. which irritated me because I didn't want her to until at least 38 weeks.. but I am OK now because baby girl stayed in. She did the same last week and I am assuming she will again if I make it to my appointment this Friday. Where I will be 39 weeks 5 days!! These appointments get my hopes up... then nothing happens. . 
  Movement: Pretty much consistent with what she has been doing all along. Has her little patterns and awake times. Still is pretty active around 7ish and when I wake up in the morning from insomnia around 5am or 6am.. She moves a little different now that she is taking up so much room.. just less strong as I don't think she is able to really KICK me hard anymore but she rolls around and switches sides.. She moves her little feet a lot and rolls them across my belly. Her bum is straight up by my lungs and if I push on her she'll usually let me know she doesn't appreciate that ;)
  How I am feeling: For real, I am feeling pretty good. Yes, I have all the annoying symptoms but I really am OK. I was always feeling like she would come late so I was OK with that until a couple weeks ago people started commenting that I look "done" or "wow I bet you want that baby out" "or don't lie, I know you just have to be miserable.." so for about a week.. I decided they were right. And I was on.. "operation, let's get this baby out"... but now.. I am just fine with her waiting. Even if it were for 2 more weeks.. I LOVE having her safe and happy in my tummy. I love feeling her move around and I love that I get more time with Nathan. There's no going back after this folks and I am fine with her being in there as long as she is OK. Yes, I want to see her. Sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming I cry because I want to see her sweet little face and snuggle her all the time. But right now, I still get to carry her and bond with her while she rolls around in my tummy and I am perfectly content with that. So no, I am not "done" yet. I feel joy with it and honestly still cannot believe she has been in there for 39 weeks! I've had a burst of energy this past week so I'm really liking that! 

How daddy's feeling: "I feel like a little kid waiting for christmas morning… I want to meet my little one."
Random: A LOT has gone on since my last update! I had another shower that my mama and sister through for me and it was perfect! I am SO thankful for everyone's generosity and love towards us and our little girl! I'm completely packed and so is baby girls stuff for the hospital. I have everything for baby girl done and we have even set up her co-spleeper. We chose this one if you're interested (more on that another time.) My Spotify play list, an ipod player and of course the camera are chillin' out next to my bag. Since I have had the urge to nest, all of her cloth diapers are washed, stuffed and ready to go! They're so darn cute I can't wait to put her in them! (more on that later too!) Her nursery has been ready for some time now and everything has been washed, prepped, put away etc. Every thing has been set up, ie, her bouncer, stroller, sheets on bed, clothes put away and all washed, headbands in their place, closet organized, etc ..and has been for a while. Her car seat is in the car and ready along with a mirror so we can see her! We actually took the car seat to the fire dept just to make sure we were installing it correctly. He had some great tips and there were a couple of things I didn't even know you could do to get a car seat in! I guess stuff I would just consider 'against the rules' but it turns out the highway safety or something recommends and allows certain things. I printed out our 'Birth wishes' and they are in my bag.. yes, I am THAT person but I have done a LOT of research to prepare and I just don't want decisions to be made for us without me knowing anything. Yes, I am OK with things changing and I know you cannot have everything you want usually, but I trust in a BIG God and I know He has everything handled with the birth. They are things we have been specifically praying about since finding out about our daughter and we know God is in control and will be with us every second. 
Other Stuff:  So.. I won't go swimming because I have an irrational fear that my water will break while I'm in there and I won't know it..  so there's that. I have also been squeezing in every single minute I can alone with my husband. We pretty much don't do anything except hang out together and eat. A lot. of donuts. We've been having random breakfast and lunch dates and trips to Lowes for stuff like a new fridge. We've been walking a lot to help move the baby down and most nights we're sitting on the couch playing Lego Indiana Jones on the Wii together! I'm seriously loving every minute of it!

Last thing: Would love all of your prayers as we enter into a part of our lives we know nothing could possibly prepare us for! We just ask that you would be praying for our family of three, that the Lord would be guiding us and teaching us to be the best parents possible for our girl. For the birth and after, nursing & just settling into our lives together. Thank you so so much and we can't wait to share the big news with you! 

Check out my other Pregnancy related posts!   Becoming Parents I'm Pregnant and I'm Beautiful  34 Week 'Bumpdate' 30 Week 'Bumpdate' 27&28 Week 'Bumpdate' 25 week 'Bumpdate' 24 Week 'Bumpdate' 22 & 23 Week 'Bumpdate' 21 Week 'Bumpdate' 19 & 20 Week 'Bumpdate' 17 & 18 Week 'Bumpdate' 16 Week 'Bumpdate'  14 & 15 Week 'Bumpdate'  13 Week 'Bumpdate' 0-12 Weeks 'Bumpdate' Pregnancy Announcement   If you want to see more of the bump, let's be friends on Instagram!

I'm pregnant & I'm beautiful.

In the early months of pregnancy when I started getting a bump, I thought it was sooooo cute. I loved watching it grow bigger and bigger & was amazed that my body was able to hold a little person. 

As time went on, I got more uncomfortable in my skin and began to think I was looking a lot more chubby and a lot less cute. Stretch marks started developing (literally everywhere except my belly and it bothered me. (Don't worry, belly ones came later;)) 

When I got to about 37- 38 weeks I realized what I had been doing. I had a hard time with the weight gain & it started making me not like being pregnant. I was ready to lose the weight, ready to have my baby girl, and ready to have my body back to normal. I think it should also be said that I watched other friends struggle with this and always thought to myself " I would never struggle with that if I were pregnant. Pregnancy is so gorgeous, why would they think they look fat?"  I was sorely mistaken. 

Like I said it wasn't until about 38 weeks along that I started to see myself differently. I noticed I started to be sad that I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. I saw other pregnant woman who were beautiful! Woman who had gained almost 70 pounds and looked absolutely stunning.  This particular girl I had found via Instagram and started catching up on her bump dates on her blog. And wouldn't you know it, she also thought she didn't look so pretty.

It's funny how I could look at her & think how absolutely beautiful she looked but then look at myself and think the opposite. It's when I saw this blog that I changed my view. She too thought she had gained too much weight & was struggling with how she looked. 

As I looked at her pictures, I realized how hard I had been on myself. How truly beautiful it was that I was growing a little baby girl & how I might never get this experience again. I started seeing myself differently. Even though I only had 2 weeks left, I wanted to get dressed and go out and show off my bump. I started to truly believe my husband when he would say "you look so beautiful" or "how sexy my baby bump made me look." I started to say thank you & let it make me joyful when someone would compliment me. I posted this photo in Instagram and shared my feelings. And I truly appreciate everyone of your sweet words that were completely unexpected, but I believed you for once! 

Pregnancy is so so beatiful and such a privilege. I don't even think I realized how blessed I was. So I don't care anymore if people call me "huge" (although a post is coming on those little comments later ;)) I'm honestly just in awe of how beautiful this big ole round belly is. How unfair of me to ever think anything different when The Lord granted me a womb that could conceive a child. The body that The Lord gave me has carried a child, Our child, His child and He created me to hold her little body and nourish her and keep her safe. He gave me a body that would be her home for 9 months. He grew it and shaped it and made it the perfect place for our little baby to grow. And so, I love it.